(Seriously, even when everything seems to be falling apart, Alex always makes me smile. He's just awesome like that and the world should totally know this.)
Having a breakdown wasn't that enjoyable, both because I feel like a complete and total girl when I cry and because it reminded me far too much of last Fall, when I was a complete wreck all the time. That helpless feeling that just takes you by the shoulders and shakes you into oblivion, to the point where all you can do is curl up into a ball and wait for sleep to take over and blissfully deliver you into numbness: that's what scares me beyond everything. What I felt last night was the stress that always lead into the helplessness that I'm trying so hard to avoid.
I'm about 153 days (give or take) strong, and I refuse to give in now.
So what do I do? I find a friend to get a hug. I write about my feelings. I organize my notes and my time so that I can manage my workload better. I clean my room (which somehow calms me down... no one knows why, least of all me).
You know, I'm an orientation student instructor this semester. For one hour a week, I'm talking to a group of 28 freshmen who are looking at me as an experienced upperclassman, someone with enough time under her belt to give good advice and guidance in the many troubles and tumultuous times that they will soon face. More and more, though, I'm realizing that the advice that I'm giving these freshmen isn't actually applicable to me.
- Advice: If you're having trouble with a class, go find a tutor or someone who has previously taken the class to help.
- My reality: The class that's giving me the most trouble is one that's never been offered before, so there are no tutors or upperclassmen who have taken it, much less that can help me.
- Advice: Schedule your time. You'll find enough time for everything that you want to do, especially if you use small time blocks (i.e. an hour between class).
- My reality: I feel like I don't have enough time to learn the material I'm being given, even utilizing a schedule and small time blocks.
- Advice: Find a support system: friends, family, anyone who can support you through the ups and downs.
- My reality: Most of my friends live off campus. My best friend here isn't anymore. I don't really have that person here that I can just tell anything to and get a hug. I mean, I have friends, but I either don't know them well enough to tell them everything or to not feel bad about interrupting their studying with my own petty problems.
The sad thing is, these strategies always worked up until last Fall. These and others like it were all I needed to get through school; they were what I needed to keep myself together.
It's different now.
Last night, I felt like different meant impossible. Now, though, with the perspective of the next day, I realized something. Nothing is impossible. I just need to get some new guidelines, some new advice for a new era in my life.
- Minimize out of class commitments as much as possible. It may seem like you can't cut back, but trust me: you can.
- Find a hugging buddy. Seriously, hugs make everything better.
- Find time to exercise and eat healthy. Life is so much easier if you are physically healthy and in a better mindset to deal with the mental challenges.
- Live the motto.: I can do anything that I set my mind to.
I am not perfect. I won't be able to perfectly get through school. I'm going to face stress, challenges. The thing is, there's no way in hell that I'm going to let that stop me.
I have a dream, a mission. I will be the best mathematician that's ever come out of Massachusetts, out of Kettering, out of the world. I will be a mathematical badass, no matter what's thrown in my way.
I'm not going to give up. I just have to find a way to make it happen.
I'm not going to give up. I just have to find a way to make it happen.
Take that, stress. Take that.
